Separation of Church and Steak

Today the Supreme Court of Arkansas ruled that a Christmas exhibit in a Little Rock community park, by members of a Pagan group, could remain on display throughout the rest of the holidays. This was the second ruling on the matter by the court in the last three weeks.

The Pagan group known as “The Sisters of the Hobgoblin” were enacting Pagan rituals that celebrate Pagan Christmas, in the Little Rock community park, and were starting the festivities around 7:00 PM every evening, and had been doing so since two weeks before Thanksgiving. The Pagans were performing ritual sacrifices of livestock, and engaging in alcohol fueled naked orgies in plain view of the public. When asked by reporters why the Pagans were doing this, the leader of the Group “Sister Buffy Milking Kittens”, told reporters, “ This is our way of celebrating Christmas, this is our religion on display for all to see.”

“Families of Little Rock” or FOLR, a so-called “ activism for families organization”, filed suit on the grounds that these displays by the Pagans, were violations of the Constitution’s provisions on separation of church and state. A spokesperson for FOLR, said in a televised interview that, “This is simply not fair that Pagans are allowed to have religious displays in full public view, when no Christian groups were being allowed to host displays on public property.”

In the first ruling by the Arkansas Supreme Court, FOLR’s suit was thrown out by the court on the grounds that the Pagan group was not an actual religion recognized by the state of Arkansas. The court further clarified that they defined accepted religions as being based on Christianity, or sometimes Muslims or Jews, and occasionally Lutherans.

FOLR filed a second suit, stating that the displays should be halted, because they were a violation of community standards. FOLR went on to say that ritual sacrifice and drunken orgies were not their idea of appropriate behavior.

The Arkansas Supreme Court ruled a second time to allow the Pagans to continue their displays. The court reminded FOLR, that while the Constitution does not allow any serious organized religions to put up displays of their icons, that the Pagans were clearly not a recognized religion, and thus did not violate the Constitution’s provisions for separation of church and state. The court ruled that the behavior in the park by the Pagans, in no way violated community standards, and added that “ we have a former resident of Arkansas, that frequently behaved in such manner, and he went on to become President.”

I for one am appalled and dismayed at this whole process. I cannot remember a time in my life, where my sensibilities have been offended as much as they have by the legal wrangling in the state of Arkansas on this issue. I hope you are outraged too, just enough to make you think a little deeper on this subject than you perhaps have before.

Halliburton sponsors today’s funny, not funny words: offensive.

Today’s sampling of black comedy and parody laced with satire and bogus philosophy was brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, who would like to say, ”You can have your rocks and stones that you threw at us back now, we do not need them.”

Just What is Christmas?

(Gisher trots up to the podium and taps the mike)

Gisher: Good morning everybody, nice to see you all back again. Everybody got themselves all ready for Christmas?
(Crowd murmurs Yeah!)
Before we get started this morning, I have had the deacons rope off this front pew. I want all the children present, to come down front right now and sit in this pew.
(Gisher pauses while everyone moves around and walks down from the podium with the microphone towards the pew)
Gisher: Everybody all settled down now?
(Crowd says yeah)
Gisher: What on earth do we have here? Does everybody see this child? Why he must be six foot tall. DAVE AWAY FROM HOME what in the heck are you doing here?
DAVEAWAY: I was just hoping you might have that roving eye Jesus cross for me.
Gisher: Roving eye Jesus? JESUS! A ROVING EYE JESUS HE WANTS! I gotta tell you Dave I have spoken with Senator Kennedy myself about that, and he told me as soon as he’s finished his new weight loss program, he would work something out with you. NOW YOU MAY BE A CHILD AT HEART, BUT YOU SURE AIN’T A CHILD, GET YOUR BIG OLE BUTT BACK IN YOUR SEAT.
(Dave gets up and runs back to his pew with the crowd laughing.)
Gisher: Stand up here young man so everybody can see you. Tell everybody what you want for Christmas young man.
Young Boy: I want a Ford, a big Ford F150 with a roll bar and fog lights.
Gisher: How old are you young man?
(Little boy holds up five fingers.)
Gisher: You are FIVE YEARS OLD?
(little boy nods.)
Gisher : Young man do you think your feet will reach the gas and brake pedals?
(young boy shakes his head, no.)
Gisher: Do you have a bicycle, would you like a bicycle?
(young boy nods, yes.)
Gisher: Well I hope your daddy DAVEAWAY HEARD THAT. I don’t want you getting arrested for driving under the age. Thank you young man. How about this beautiful young lady here, would you stand up please? Tell me, how old are you ?
Little girl: Four years old.
Gisher: You are so cute, isn’t she the most beautiful thing you ever saw people?
Crowd says Amen)
Gisher: Tell me little girl, what do you want for Christmas?
Little girl: I want.., I want my daddy to come home.
Gisher: You want your daddy to come home, can you tell me honey, where is your daddy right now?
Little girl: My daddy’s in the army in Iraq.
Gisher visably moved: What is your daddy’s name?
Little girl: Dean Michael Dorman.
Gisher: I wish I could tell every child this but honey I got some good news for you. Little lady, YOUR DADDY IS COMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS. HALLELUJAH!!!
(Crowd says Amen! Amen! Amen!)
Gisher: I just got word from overseas they are flying Dean back to Germany and in just a few weeks he will be home. EVERYBODY PLEASE, bow your heads for me as we pray:

God, if it is in your will, please see that this young girl’s father returns safely to his home. And if it is in your will God, please give all of us the wisdom and the strength, and the MOTIVATION, to make sure that young people do not get sent into harms way again, unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary. Amen.
(Crowd says AMEN!)

Gisher: Thank you little lady and please know that we all love you and we are with you.
(Gisher hugs little girl)
Gisher: What do we have here? I didn’t see you cause you were scrunched down so low. Stand up Chico.
(Chico stands up)
Gisher: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE HAVE THE BIGGEST CHILD OF ALL RIGHT HEERE, MR. CHICO MAHALO OF THE “FORK”. What on earth are you doing up here Mr. Mahalo?
Chico: I heard, I uh heard you guys have really good food.
Gisher: Mr. Mahalo, we don’t break bread until after the service is over. NOW GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT YOU SILLY FOOL!
(Chico runs back, crowd laughing. Gisher walks back to the podium and looks out at the crowd still smiling)
Gisher: Oh my God, we got a bunch of silly people in here.
(Crowd laughing; AMEN! AMEN!)

Gisher: I wanted to first talk about those of you who are not Christians and what Christmas means to you. I wonder what it says that you have one day a year where you give each other presents and decorate your house up, I mean what are you doing besides making Sam Walton’s kids richer so they can get themselves killed with new toys? Now if you are spending that day with friends and family, truly sharing love with them and appreciating a moment of peace, I say fine. That’s ok with me. But let me ask you, have your ever read the words of Christ? Jesus spoke of peace, love and forgiveness. Most of the things that Jesus left for us can be applied in your daily lives, and will help you to get along better with everyone you deal with. His words on forgiveness will help you live a happier life. Anger is a terrible thing to hold onto, because it destroys your own life, and it makes you and everyone around you miserable, IT CAUSES WARS, IT CAUSES MURDERS, IT CAUSES ULCERS! Jesus also told all of us to let it go and move on. We did not have these ideas till Jesus gave them to us. Say AMEN!
(Crowd says AMEN!)
Gisher: You don’t have to become a Christian to appreciate what Jesus gave us all. You don’t have to believe that he was the SON OF GOD! YOU DON’T HAVE TO BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU DON’T WANNA BELIEVE ABOUT HIM! But you can believe in his lessons and his words, because if you use them, they really work. So on Christmas day as you are celebrating with your friends and family, take a moment to thank Jesus. Thank him for giving you tools to live a better life, and a way to get along with others, and a way to keep young men and women from fighting wars. After all, CHRISTMAS IS HIS BIRTHDAY! You folks that are not Christians would do well to wish him a happy one. If you don’t you need to take that star or that angel OFF THE TOP OF YOUR TREE. SAY AMEN EVERYBODY!
(Crowd says AMEN!)
Gisher: As for you Christians, I see you out there shaking your heads. I noticed this, don’t think I didn’t. Did Jesus tell you that you were supposed to judge anybody? I think somebody else has that job, don’t you?
(Crowd says AMEN!)
Gisher: I’m going to cover you guys too, but I am gonna do that next Sunday. If I don’t hurry up and finish, Chico is gonna die from hunger. I am way too hoarse from screaming all week at fools, so today I have asked a man I truly adore to step in and wrap up some of these themes in a song for us.

(Lights dim down and a spotlight comes on)

Gisher: Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Ireland, Mr. David Gray.

I beg to differ
To break the chain
To draw a line right through
Tomorrow
And cancel every claim
I’ve seen reflections
Beneath my skin
And drums beating for battle
In the eyes of children

And turning it over
Right down
Where the eye don’t see no colour
Where the war don’t make a sound
Ice on the shoulder
Noel
Praise the Lord above
And sell sell sell

Oh violent flowers
You fill the screen
Betray your mother
And change your name
So tall and fickle
And blind as snow
Running headfirst for oblivion
Cause you’ve nowhere else to go

And turning it over
Right down
Where the eye don’t see no colour
Where the war don’t make a sound
Ice on the shoulder
Noel
Praise the Lord above
And sell sell sell

In chill of winter
In dead of night
Each so familiar with the hunger
That they got no appetite
They talk of loving
I hear her say
That as fast as I can give it
He’s taking it away

And turning it over
Right down
Where the eye don’t see no colour
Where the war don’t make a sound
Ice on the shoulder
Noel
Praise the Lord above
And sell sell sell

A weeping willow
The desert wind
So many learn to swallow
So few to understand
The deepest longing
This cup of faith
Where to put them in a world
Where no innocence is safe

(Applause, and it continues, as people stand up.)

THANK YOU DAVID! THANK YOU JESUS HALLELUJAH! Thanks all you good people out there. Put your money in the platters as you leave. HALLELUJAH! Amen. Time for Chico to get some BISCUITS AND GRAVY!

Forgiving starts at home

This last Wednesday, I knew I had to drive out again, to my little spot near the lake. The early part of this week had been a tremendous drain upon my soul, and I knew I could easily slip into madness, without the serenity this place provides me. I would have preferred to go back home, to head back to our little shack. The worst part about writing this stuff for the digital domain, was that Mary and I had to leave it, and come back down to “civilization”. There is really very little civilized about it all. To be honest, this time of year, and in particular, in the kind of weather we were having on this day, it would be suicidal to drive back up there. After you have observed a snowplow sliding backward down the road it was trying to clear; it’s really not very encouraging to someone wishing to drive home.

When I arrived, the snow was coming in sideways, and the wind was howling at itself. Nature seemed to be roiling in a fury, that far surpassed the stirrings in my own mind. There were roughly thirty Canadian geese, sitting out on the water, they must have had some sick ones amongst them, or perhaps their young were coming along slowly this year, because they were real damn late getting out. They were making one heck of a ruckus; you could hear them over the top of the wind, complaining about the things geese complain about with each other. It was such an invasive noise, that I was almost on the verge of leaving this place, because after all, I had ventured here for the quiet.

Then almost as if a door had suddenly closed, the geese and the wind went quiet. Not a trace of breeze brushed my face. All around me, huge snowflakes now fell silently and added to the blanket of white that covered everything around me. The geese appeared to be looking at me, and then I noticed the hair was standing upright on the back of my neck. Once again he was behind me, I had not heard him make a sound, but I knew he was there.

“Need some stillness?” the now very familiar voice, said.
“Bigtime.” I said, without turning around to confront him. The geese were slowly inching towards me and stretching their necks out, as if to see what was behind me.
“Had a rough week I see.” Jesus said, and continued speaking, “ I was observing the whole thing, and I have to tell you that I am not really sure what to make of it all. You came down pretty hard on those kids, and I know you love them, and I definitely know you understand just how they feel. Why did you choose the direction you went with them?”

Without turning around to look at him I said, “Why did you throw that major fit at the temple with the money changers, I know you loved them too?”
“Are you trying to compare yourself to me?” Jesus asked.
“ Oh hell no, even if I was as gifted as you were, I am certainly not anywhere near as brave as you were.” I said slowly turning around to face him.
“Well I did it because they had forgotten what the temple was all about, and what it stood for. They had completely lost touch with their roots, and were not showing the appropriate respect for themselves or the temple. You are right, I did it out of anger, and I did it out of love. I loved them all, and I did not think another little parable of mine would get their attention, anywhere near as well, as trashing the place would.” And Jesus sighed, and lowered his head.
“ Did you get their attention?” I asked.
“ I am not sure how much of anything I did got their attention, or for that matter, anyone else’s attention, but I do think that maybe I just might have got a slight grip on yours.” Jesus said as he looked up to me and smiled that beautiful smile he has that will pulse and flow, and flow all the way through you.

There was a sudden stirring behind me, and I spun around just in time to see all of the geese taking off in formation. Perhaps they were trying to push further south before the night closed in on them.

I was admiring the grace of their departure I said, “In the last few weeks, I have seen a few people actually demonstrate for me, that they actually understood what I was saying to them, and some of them asked me, actually asked me what they could do to help. Until that happened, for a while there, I was starting to worry about us, and I think I might have come to understand a little, of just how you must have felt.”

I turned back around to say something else to him but once again, he had vanished, and left as quietly as he had arrived. I wondered if he had heard the last thing I said to him, because I really wanted him to know that I understood him. Somehow, that moment I realized that he did not have to hear it. I was the one that needed to listen that day, not him. Then I noticed that my thoughts had been invaded by a silence, and the noises that had relentlessly refused to go away, had departed. It was the best kind of silence, the silence that only comes from the peace one feels inside, when they finally let go of whatever burden they were carrying.

John Birch Blues

Have you ever found yourself not paying attention while you were hammering in a nail? As that steal head came down and made contact with your finger, I am willing to bet you felt something that you can still remember. In fact, you can probably still feel it today.

The good folks over at the John Birch Society have apparently never hammered any nails. Either that or they were real damn lucky they never smashed their fingers. It appears to me as though they have spent a great deal of time banging their heads against a brick wall, perhaps for them, it’s like switching from methadone to heroin.

Why such a snide comment about such noble (cough) group of men you ask? Two real damn good reasons, with the first one being something that I keep trying to pound into my loyal reader’s heads.

John Birch believes massive letter writing campaigns to our elected officials can affect major change. (Too many “Mr. Smith goes to Washington” movie rentals.) About the only major changes they will ever achieve, is in the color of the jackets of congressional pages. As big as John Birch is, they do not have anywhere close to the juice they need, to take on the combined business lobbies.

The other major problem they appear to have is advanced senility. The John Birch group wants to roll up the carpet and close the door to the rest of the world. They really want the U.S. to just forget that the rest of the world exists.

Now I know the U.N. sucks wind and that building in New York that they operate out of would be best described as just a glass-encased pirate ship. Basically a bunch of banging shoes on desks and stuffing cash in pockets, that is about all they are good for, excepting if you overlook the increased income for high-end prostitutes. But who writes the checks to pay for all this? Guess what bucko, we cover a majority of the bill. Easy solution forming, yes I see it, if junior does not behave, cut off his allowance until he sits up straight. But that brings me back to the J.B. boys.

I have no earthly idea where the Birchers think most of the produce they eat comes from. Maybe they just consume steaks made from American cattle and avoid any other offerings. I guess all the gadgets and toys in their house are over forty years old, why they must have lots of tubes glowing in the living room at night. They must also be driving automobiles made before the Ford administration. Surely you realize where most car parts are made these days.

Do you think they also carry around oxygen tanks so they do not have to breathe in the outside air, which contains contaminates produced from exhaust emissions, and smokestacks located all over the planet? Maybe most of them are modern day flat-earthers, and they believe we have Plexiglas installed around all of our borders that rises all the way up into the atmosphere.

Is it possible the Birches are doing really good drugs, but they are refusing to share them with the rest of us? Where, I ask, did these powerful drugs come from? You think it might have been Utah? I wonder if we can ever get them to share? I want to be that stupid, I really do.

Maybe they are too young and that is their problem. They weren’t around the last time we all had their attitude, and the Japanese decided to throw us a surprise party, you know, that tiny little deal called WORLD WAR II? The Birch guys must really be a bunch of very youthful guys, not to remember that one.

On wait, I forgot that they were alive when a bunch of guys that were frequently dressed up like my wife is when she comes out the shower, added up their frequent flier miles and plowed themselves right into high end real estate in New York City. Ok, maybe the John Birch Society is just loaded to the brim with a bunch of morons.

The Day Abortions Stopped

Last night, I awakened from a dream in the middle of the night. In it I picked up my copy of the plagiarism gazette (the New York Times) and on the front page, an article touted the fact that for just slightly more than six months, no abortions were performed in the U.S.

There was a side note about how one Barbara Bush had repeatedly attempted during this period to obtain an abortion. Doctors had informed her she was far too old for the procedure and further, her child was already running around outside her womb, and was in fact acting as the puppet front man for some guy named Cheney.

Still the article was simply amazing to read. It detailed how the people who were against abortion, got together with the people who were fighting for legalized abortions. They all had worked earnestly to educate the masses, and had successfully encouraged everyone to use birth control.

The few women that did manage to become pregnant had been persuaded by both sides to carry the babies to term, and give the baby’s up for adoption. Pope Benny himself, had provided church funds to set up an organization to provide these babies with good Catholic homes. It was, as Jesus would say, “A beautiful thing.”

In addition, there was unanimous praise for all of the new Supreme Court appointees. Since the litmus test of abortions no longer held sway, appointees had dramatically improved in quality, and most were now being selected solely for their overall skills as a jurist.

The amount of money spent on elections had significantly shrank, as funding from both camps on the abortion issue, had dropped virtually to zero. As a bonus, since abortion was no longer the major line in the sand for elections, candidates were forced to focus on other issues to attract voters.

Below that article, there were some reports of very sad side effects from the halting of abortions. Apparently unemployment rose drastically when all of the employees of activist groups who were originally for or against abortion were laid off due to lack of funding. Foreclosures on homes and expensive autos for these same people were also on the rise. The primary victims, were the top managers and directors for groups such as The National Right to Life.

Some of these former association employees were already on the road to rehabilitation and had accepted jobs flipping burgers at McDonald’s and some had acquired retail jobs, and were hiding from customers in the stockrooms of Walmart.

But some of the sharper ones had managed to find new funding sources, one being the former president of N.O.W. Kim Gandy. Kim had successfully jump-started a new organization called E.T.I. (Eliminate the Idiots), and this organization was claiming there were far too many mouths to feed on the planet, and we needed abortions back, to save humanity from themselves.

While I personally agreed with E.T.I.’s premise that we had to lower birthrates or sit back and watch humanity slip into oblivion, I couldn’t accept their methodology. I was also afraid it wouldn’t be long before a new special interest group formed called O.R.T.P.I. (Our Right To Produce Idiots).

I had to face up to it, we live in world where people get rich, by dividing us up and then scaring a large chunk of us into funding their lavish lifestyles. Just as this epiphany was hitting me, at that very moment I woke up, and found myself in a cold sweat. I immediately recognized I was awake, and it had only been a dream, and sadly I realized that there was very little difference between my dreams and reality.